I’ve been reading a lot of Freud lately and I know Freud is very sexist and imperialistic (he loves talking about savages, and women’s desire as the unexplored primitive Dark Continent).
However, I do strangely like psychoanalysis. I don’t believe it is really applicable as a science or as a methodology. But it is fascinating nonetheless. You get to analyze Freud’s sick and twisted mind. I read Freud as a projection. Whatever he sees in other, he actually sees in himself.
Anyway, yesterday, as you have all heard, I was traumatized by a bus honking at me. However, most men’s reaction is like this is the first time I was traumatized and realized men suck. But now, everyone knows that an experience like that usually happened before but is still trauma reborn and reexperienced as if it was new. There is no getting used to it. If one gets used to it, that is scary. Although every experience is fresh and shocking, I have experienced many. If I am given a dollar every time a random guy is being a dick, I will be rich. And please don’t tell me it’s because I’m attractive. Some girl said it is because I’m Asian. There is no analyzing why it occurs and when you do start analyzing your dress, your looks, your demeanor, your race, you begin to internalize hate and you begin to believe you deserve it.
Well, I had the mistake of thinking I was over the experience after I slept it off.
But then, I had such a bad dream.
I thought it was unrelated to the honking yesterday until now.
Psychoanalysis made me make think of the connection. Repression and all.
My dream was all about me being verbally attacked by a mean girl, while friends, and other people just stared and did not react. I did not take it and retorted but it just made me feel worst after i shut her up.
Anyway, i guess i’ll never get over what it means to be a woman in this world.